Ugh!

He cheated on me...and even worse, he cheated on me with a slut...Ugh! I cannot believe that once again I have given my love and body to a loser. Don't get me wrong. Things hadn't been going perfectly before my recent discovery. The typical signs had started to crop up: he stopped calling as often; he took a bit longer to reply to my texts...etc. 

Subconsciously, i knew we were in trouble but I was afraid to affirm my fears. So like an insecure  fool, i started being extra sweet to him. Sending him gay msgs on his phone and pretending to be happy. When i realised this wasn't changing anything, i thought I needed to change to make him want me again. So I wore make up  (as in errthang...blush, powder, falsies, eyeshadow EVERYTHING) everytime i saw him. i bought new outfits and lingerie for whenever he'd come to visit. I started getting paranoid and felt that maybe if only i had a smaller this and a bigger that...everything would go back to normal. i knew i'd gone past desperate when i bought him an extremely expensive birthday present which i couldn't afford.

Still the flirtatious wall posts and the suspect midnight calls from girls still persisted. The suspicion was driving me crazy so i decided to do what we ladies do best: investigate. It wasn't long before I had solid proof that he had played me with several girls.

i must admit that I should have left a long time ago. I can't squash the feeling that he probably stopped feeling me a long time ago and was too much of a coward to tell me and so started acting up so I'd take the bait and break up with him myself.... Well...I got the message loud and fucking clear.

im angry because I always pride myself on the fact that no guy ever messes with me but this time I was officially "chopped and screwed" (sorry i just had to do it.lol) i am mad that he betrayed me; i am mad that I got to the point where I questioned my own beauty and appeal; and finally, I am angry that I was scared to admit to myself that I had to let go. 

I broke up with him two weeks ago. Sad innit? Im not gona lie and say I feel better and all that. it sucks big time. It hurts even more because he didn't even try to change my mind...i loved him and we'd been together for two years and i still miss him like crazy. But, admittedly, the tears are getting fewer and fewer.

I still haven't told anyone its over yet. i don't know why. maybe i'm embarassed. i cannot wait until i'm over this. it hurts too much. never knew i could be so emotional. its disgusting. but, as corny as it sounds, that asshole taught me to trust my instincts and to never compromise my values or change who i am to make someone else happy. 

Case of the ex

My ex called me on saturday to wish me a happy valentines day. We broke up over a year ago and I was surprised that he even bothered as the break-up was less than amicable. After a few awkward mumblings of "eya...long time" and "howz school" and all that jazz, i hung up and immediately went onto his facebook profile. I was, admittedly, relieved as the ex's profile pic showed that he'd gained a few unfavourable kilos and wasn't looking slightly atractive. I then read a few of his wall posts and stumbled across one from an attractive yankee babe....lets call her shanaynay (cos all their names sound like that).

the babe wrote that she had "soooo much fun" last nyt and that she missed him already and signed off with kisses, mwahs etc. I felt sick. I am not completely sure if I was jealous or not but after moments wondering what this shaneequa saw in him, i paused and decided not to obsess. After all, he'd been the one who was deeply in love with me and I'd been the one who'd broken up with him. 

The fact that i'd lost my virgnity to that loser still plagues my thoughts till today. Maybe that's why I'm still affected by his presence. It happened in a friend's bedroom and lasted about 30mins. How romantic.

  I have never really believed in the whole "keep yourself till marriage" bullshit cos I believe in testing the toy before you buy it. Now the ex had been chasing me for months and after a bad breakup with a previous asshole, i decided to settle for a guy i had little feelings for to protect myself from getting hurt... okay..huge diversion...where was i? Ah the sex...

We'd gone to watch a movie during which, the ex was constantly trying to fondle my breasts. I then decided...what the heck...the dude loves me and will never hurt me so we might as well do the deed. So you can imagine his excitement when I agreed to leave the cinema, mid-movie, to go somewhere private. 

In my friend's room after a few gropes and numerous teeth clashing, we did it. I must admit, he was huge but the act itself was boring. I kept staring at his face in disbelief and I kept thinking " are you fucking serious?". He, on the other hand, had his eyes closed and was panting and grinning like a sick puppy. God, I hate animals...especially dogs. It hurt. and after what seemed like centuries of monotonous thrusting and deceitful moans (on my part). I decided to go down on him. I was immediately repulsed by a pungent odour coming from his pubes. Yuck! Whoever said gurls stink down there obviously has not been acquainted with this dude.

Needless to say, he did NOT get to feel my precious lips on his member. Instead, I flopped on the bed and complained that I was in pain. He gave me an understanding look and started getting dressed. Phew! 

Anyways, I left him for a cuter, older, more mature, and sexier guy and we've been together for almost a year now. My current bf is definitely an upgrade so why on earth was I concerned that some girl was interested in my less than desirable leftovers??? I don't know...maybe its true that you are forever connected to whoever you sleep with. I hope not. I really regret the sex but I find consolation in the fact that I broke his heart. There's nothing worse than fucking a guy and then getting fucked over by him.